Welcome to the circus

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s kind of difficult navigating a new relationship and raising a toddler at the same time.

I mean, apart from the usual kooky insecurities the are standard for me when I find a new man (will he still like me when he realises that I have APPALLING taste in music, after how many sleepovers is it acceptable for me to start wearing my retainer again, should I actually admit that sometimes I read Marian Keyes and enjoy it even though I pretend I don’t, etc), there is also the question of does he like Jackson and, conversely, does Jackson like him?

But more fundamentally important, the question that PLAGUES me the most is: is this man good enough to be the primary male influence in my son’s life and do I really want his values as my son’s values?

I’ll tell you this, I don’t know the answer to ANY of these questions, but I am determined that we are all going to have fun finding out.

And talking of fun, I have got two child-free nights and days ahead of me because Jackson is going with his cousins to Nana’s for a couple of days while I…well I guess you can guess where I’ll be spending my TWO CHILD-FREE DAYS AND NIGHTS. To say that I am beyond excited is the understatement of the century.

PS. Don’t feel sorry for Jackson not spending these two days with me because if you asked him 100 times if he’d rather be with Mommy or Nana and his cousins he would probably answer Nana and his cousins 100 times out of the 100. I have learnt to live with this.

[Photo from Faye, thanks Faye I love it]

Darling don’t give me shit, cos I know that you’re full of it

There are days when I tell Jackson so many lies that even MY head spins.

Well, you could call them lies if you want to, but I like to call them bending-the-truth-just-a-little-to-get-me-through-the-day-and-still-maintain-my-sanity-so-help-me-god.

My child is willful and stubborn and, lately, everything is a battle. This is his job as a two-year-old, I realise this. But the main problem with a two year old is that they are unable to listen to reason. Unable or they just don’t want to, I’m not entirely sure. Nor does it make a difference, because either way they are pretty, well, unreasonable.

And there are only so many times a day that you can count to three and threaten a smack before you actually have to follow though.

So I get creative.

Like…did you know that Jackson only really likes to eat potatoes if they are served in chip form. No problem, because did you ALSO know that baked potatoes are ACTUALLY really, really big chips and that he is the WINNER because he gets to eat them ALL BY HIMSELF.

And did you know that at night, the electronic gate button works ONLY for Mommies, not for Jacksons?

And also, that Mommy will get arrested and put into jail FOREVER if Jackson doesn’t wear the straps to his car seat (trademarked Auntie Martha – I cannot claim credit for this).

And finally, did you know that there is a REALLY, REALLY big beetle that lives in the blinds in his bathroom (actually it’s small and green and rather sweet, but whatever) and if Jackson cries or splashes me or kicks me while he is in the bath it will come down and BITE him (no tears or tantrums at bath time, why did I not think of this one before?)

So there you have it, a tiny sample of the tales I am FORCED to tell my child every single day. But I guess I’ll only have myself to blame when my overweight teenage son will only eat chips the size of baked potatoes, won’t use electronics at night, covers his face and rocks backwards and forwards if someone doesn’t wear their seatbelt in the car and has a pathological fear of small, green, rather sweet beetles.

Hmmmm…

Can you spell BITCHY?

Goddamn, I am hormonal.

Couple that with the fact that Jackson is being The Most Annoying Toddler On The Planet&reg (seriously people he has developed this fake/loud/evil/show off laugh that he laughs ALL THE TIME and if I have to hear it ever again I may just rip my ears off my head with my bare hands just to MAKE IT STOP), I don’t really have that much to talk about.

Luckily Laurakim tagged me. Maybe it’ll do me good to to this, maybe not, maybe it’ll make me even more grumpy.

Eight things that I am looking forward to:
1. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
2. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
3. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
4. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
5. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
6. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
7. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
8. Jackson losing his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh.

Eight things I did yesterday:
1. Fed the ducks in the park (with Jackson, Exmi, The Boyfriend and The Kid)
2. Tea and biscuits with friends
3. Grocery shopping (YAWN)
4. Took Jackson to look at the snakes and spiders at the reptile centre
5. Made meatballs and spaghetti
6. Ate meatballs and spaghetti
7. Listened to Jackson’s fake/loud/evil/show off laugh non-stop
8. Went to bed early to sleep off my bad hormonal-driven mood.

Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Stop being in such a filthy mood
2. Book lunch somewhere on my birthday. The curse of being born on Mother’s Day is that you CANNOT get a table for lunch for love nor money. Not even if you book two weeks before. Like I tried to last Friday. When they laughed at me and said that I was 15th on the cancellation list. WTF????????
3. Make Jackson get rid of his fake/loud/evil/show off laugh
4. Sing
5. Eat whatever I wanted to and never, ever, ever get fat
6. Drink beer for breakfast and not be considered an alcoholic
7. Not hate yoga
8. Get Telkom to answer its customer service telephone.

Eight shows I watch:
1. Greys Anatomy
2. Ugly Betty
3. Project Runway
4. Charlie and Lola
5. America’s Next Top Model
6. Masterchef Goes Large
7. In the Night Garden
8. Teletubbies.

[Image from Exmi. And I would all like you to note that DESPITE his being The Most Annoying Toddler On The Planet&reg, the love for my child is so immense that I put aside my pathological fear of geese to let that creature eat bread FROM MY HAND]

When the days they seem to fall through you well just let them go

It is on days like today, that I am so glad that I never settled for a relationship just to be in a relationship, because it should be illegal for any one person to be this happy.

Sigh.

BTW…even though you may think that this is Jackson in drag, it’s actually me. Not in drag at all. What ever happened to my Magic Roundabout, Mom? Hi Mom. I’ll ask you next time I see you. xoxo

When the days they seem to fall through you well just let them go

It is on days like today, that I am so glad that I never settled for a relationship just to be in a relationship, because it should be illegal for any one person to be this happy.

Sigh.

BTW…even though you may think that this is Jackson in drag, it’s actually me. Not in drag at all. What ever happened to my Magic Roundabout, Mom? Hi Mom. I’ll ask you next time I see you. xoxo

Dinner time whine

Those of you who have ever spoken to me in real life, or read this blog for longer than, like, two days, will know Jackson is not the best eater.

No, scrap that, Jackson is a FINE eater – just not when I am anywhere in the vicinity.

My logic states that the fact that he eats at school, with Nana, at Auntie Martha’s (and everywhere else that is not with Mommy) means that he is healthy and that he is growing means he is getting enough nutrition – this I KNOW.

But, as a mom, there is something so disastrously and emotionally FAIL about not being able to get your kid to eat anything. And I will readily admit that every time I make Jackson food and he says: “Don’t WANT it, it’s YUKKY,” it breaks my mommy heart more than a little bit.

And I’ve tried everything to get him to eat – dinner together, dinner in front of the TV, snack food, full meals, ready-made meals, meals created from scratch by me, threatening, punishing, ignoring, encouraging, making stupid cow noises, decorating the plate AND just not giving him anything to eat (this is like some of a million things I have tried, okay – please don’t send suggestions, because I will have tried that too bet you a thousand bucks).

So, bearing this in mind, you can probably kind of understand my sheer wooooooohoooooooooing joy when last night Jackson not only ate his whole steak and mashed potato supper, he asked for more. Yes, that’s right people HE ASKED FOR MORE. MORE SUPPER.

HOLY FUCKING CRAP.

I tried to act all nonchalant and like, “yeah buddy, here’s some more potato, enjoy”, but inside I was dancing the dance of a thousand jubilant clowns. On ecstasy. At a happy club. With loads of easy lady clown strippers. Inhaling laughing gas.

I may have smothered him in grateful kisses too. And high-fived him once or twice.

So the question is: do I make steak and mashed potatoes for Jackson’s dinner everyday FOR THE REST OF HIS NATURAL BORN LIFE now, or shall I risk it and venture out into lamb chop and baked potato territory?

Le sigh

Yesterday afternoon I spent more than an hour pulling tiny little cactus spikes (pricks/thorns?) out of a yelling two year old’s hands. Apparently he thought the plant looked cute and squeezable.

And then, not even an hour later, I went into the bathroom and found this…

And yes, it’s Sudocrem people. The very cream that is designed to protect against nappy rash and bed sores. The very cream that is DESIGNED to not come off ever, ever, ever, ever.

Le sigh

Yesterday afternoon I spent more than an hour pulling tiny little cactus spikes (pricks/thorns?) out of a yelling two year old’s hands. Apparently he thought the plant looked cute and squeezable.

And then, not even an hour later, I went into the bathroom and found this…

And yes, it’s Sudocrem people. The very cream that is designed to protect against nappy rash and bed sores. The very cream that is DESIGNED to not come off ever, ever, ever, ever.

Reasons to feel good

Yay, it’s Friday.

I love Fridays, and not just because it’s the start of the weekend, but because Jackson always stays at Nana’s house on a Thursday night – and even though Thursday nights are something that I treasure, I really miss him.

Awwwww little dude.

So come Friday morning, I have this cool feeling all over my body. Call it excitement, call it love, call it anticipation, call it whatever you want, I don’t care – because it just feels awesome.

Am distraught

So Tuesday was the first time in more than a year that no one commented on my post.

And now I can’t think of anything to write.

Hmmmmm…

Here is a photo that I took of Jackson a year ago today.

There is so much wrong here that I am amazed that social services haven’t come for him ages ago. Am ashamed.

Love the t-shirt though.